I’m feeling like SUCH an angst-y teen today it’s really ridiculous! And I have no-one to talk to, hence the blog.
Well that’s a sort of lie…(always good to start with a part-truth). There are people who I could tell, this common room is full of people who would listen to me tell them my problems, but my embarrassment level would shoot through the roof!! and of course I can’t guarantee that it won’t get back to the man in question.
Enough of the confusing stuff!! (I just read back that paragraph and it is mostly bullshit! Maybe read it again at the end? It will make sense then). The main thing on my mind this morning was a man, lets call him DS. Last night I was flirting with him, as I do most nights, and I guess I was going a bit over the top (but I was tired, therefore not thinking properly). He then text me asking whether I liked him and I could tell he was being serious, I froze.
I must tell you at this point that being 100% honest, i DO like him, I have done for a few weeks now. I have become dependant on DSs texts, they make me smile when no-one else can. When I do talk to him face-to-face(not enough, I go all weird when I see him, so try not to…I don’t wanna look silly) I leave with a glow, that’s the only way to describe it really. I am well and truly “crushed out”(as much as I hate that phrase)
Anyways back to my tale…I was faced at this point with a decision, lie? Or honesty? Now my track record with honesty is about as consistent as a dotted line so I really didn’t know what to say…Another side note part of the story was that a few hours previous to this happening I was playing about with tarot cards with my friend, we used 3 packs to check reliability, and I consistently “got choice between lovers”-slash-”new love” readings (rather reliable LOL). Don’t get me wrong, normally I think its just bull shit and ignore it…but obviously this came into my mind when DS asked me if I liked him. As stupid as it sounds I think this gave me the confidence to admit to him my true feelings…
My (very limited) experience of confessions of feelings caused me to assume that DS would either say he liked me, didn’t like me like that or he would need time to think because he wasn’t sure(once I had to wait a week!! And I saw him during that time! SO awkward… anyway that’s a story for another day..). However he just asked me questions!! He asked how long I have liked him, who knew I liked him and what I liked about him!! I answered the first two but by the time the third one came I was getting a little frustrated…so I told him just to forget I said anything as he obviously didn’t feel the same. He just said these things need saying face to face and we would talk today…
…and that’s where I am now, waiting for that awkward conversation where he will probably just tell me he “honours me as a friend” or “thinks of me as a sister” eugh!! I can’t even study(which I really should be doing) as he keeps going round and round my head…he has a break soon will finish this after our convo…wish me luck!
…so i ended up putting it off until the end of the day, when he texted me saying that we really needed to speak. we met.
He said he thinks im brilliant, and a great mate…but he only sees me as a friend
i think that actually hurts more, he just thinks im ugly