My Diary

Just another site where i ramble on

Another pain fueled battle — February 4, 2016

Another pain fueled battle

The frustration of living with my boyfriend and also trying to live with my anxiety is slowly destroying me and tearing us apart.

Yesterday I was stressed, like crazy stressed, because I had a telephone job interview for a job I really wanted as well as desperately needed. So of course Mr Anxiety reared his head to make everything worse. He gave me a list of things that needed doing that day; the pile of washing up, laundry, replying to emails etc. But I didn’t have time! My pulse started to rise and my thoughts got cloudy, I grabbed my glass from last night and went to wash it up, trying to focus on this simple task to calm myself down. I was unsuccessful.

As my rate of breathing increased, its volume increased. My loving boyfriend entered the room, to check I was okay. I was not okay. I was so frustrated that I almost threw that glass through the window. Then my brain switched. Most of the items on my to-do list he could do, but he never does them. Why should I have to put a wash on so his work uniform is clean? Why should I wash up from last night when we both equally cooked?

So I lashed out. All these “why me” statements came falling out my mouth. I was shouting at him for things that don’t matter, shouldn’t matter. Things that, in hindsight, he would have done if I’d just asked. When I paused for a response from him, for any response at all, he just smirked at me. That smirk. The smirk that literally means “are you really shouting at me because of that?”.

Let’s just say that it made things worse and the argument continued on for a long time. A time in which he thought we should break up because of these fights. Because I keep lashing out at him. He’s right. Who’d wanna be with someone who takes their crazy and makes it worse? No one wants to fight over nothing every couple of weeks. Someone who might snap at any point and hurt them self.

We are fine for now, but how long that’ll last is anyone’s guess…