My Diary

Just another site where i ramble on

Another pain fueled battle — February 4, 2016

Another pain fueled battle

The frustration of living with my boyfriend and also trying to live with my anxiety is slowly destroying me and tearing us apart.

Yesterday I was stressed, like crazy stressed, because I had a telephone job interview for a job I really wanted as well as desperately needed. So of course Mr Anxiety reared his head to make everything worse. He gave me a list of things that needed doing that day; the pile of washing up, laundry, replying to emails etc. But I didn’t have time! My pulse started to rise and my thoughts got cloudy, I grabbed my glass from last night and went to wash it up, trying to focus on this simple task to calm myself down. I was unsuccessful.

As my rate of breathing increased, its volume increased. My loving boyfriend entered the room, to check I was okay. I was not okay. I was so frustrated that I almost threw that glass through the window. Then my brain switched. Most of the items on my to-do list he could do, but he never does them. Why should I have to put a wash on so his work uniform is clean? Why should I wash up from last night when we both equally cooked?

So I lashed out. All these “why me” statements came falling out my mouth. I was shouting at him for things that don’t matter, shouldn’t matter. Things that, in hindsight, he would have done if I’d just asked. When I paused for a response from him, for any response at all, he just smirked at me. That smirk. The smirk that literally means “are you really shouting at me because of that?”.

Let’s just say that it made things worse and the argument continued on for a long time. A time in which he thought we should break up because of these fights. Because I keep lashing out at him. He’s right. Who’d wanna be with someone who takes their crazy and makes it worse? No one wants to fight over nothing every couple of weeks. Someone who might snap at any point and hurt them self.

We are fine for now, but how long that’ll last is anyone’s guess…

Positivity — April 1, 2011


So i was listening to The End by McFly. i have been listening to this song for two and a half years now and the lyrics finally hit me, finally woke me up.
Here is an extract
…Everybody knows the end
Don’t wanna get there wishing
That you given more
It’s not over, till it’s over
So how do we begin
when everybody knows the end

Is where you hope you never say
“I could of done it better”
And I’m gonna keep accounts
And throw away what doesn’t really matter

And I wanna die (and I wanna die)
On the highest high (on the highest high)
It’s not over (its not over)
Till it’s over
I wanna stay here forever….

For the as long as i can remember i have just lived. Basically just waiting for death, not doing anything especially good or especially bad. But i want to be remembered…
So from this day forward i am going to become the best version of myself!!
…i just realised that’s a lot easier said (typed) then done…
ok here are some ideas:
1) i’m gonna deleted twitter =O (edit:just remove a LOT of the people i follow…i cant go completely)
2) i’m gonna smile even when i feel like crying (stupid cliché),   I am gonna to appear happier by smiling at any given opportunity because i read somewhere that smiling actually makes you happy…lets test it out
3) gonna compliment at least three people a day
when i think of more i will let you know =)
if you read this and have any ideas then let me know =)
Focusing on the unimportant… —

Focusing on the unimportant…

I’m feeling like SUCH an angst-y teen today it’s really ridiculous! And I have no-one to talk to, hence the blog.

Well that’s a sort of lie…(always good to start with a part-truth). There are people who I could tell, this common room is full of people who would listen to me tell them my problems, but my embarrassment level would shoot through the roof!! and of course I can’t guarantee that it won’t get back to the man in question.

Enough of the confusing stuff!! (I just read back that paragraph and it is mostly bullshit! Maybe read it again at the end? It will make sense then). The main thing on my mind this morning was a man, lets call him DS. Last night I was flirting with him, as I do most nights, and I guess I was going a bit over the top (but I was tired, therefore not thinking properly). He then text me asking whether I liked him and I could tell he was being serious, I froze.

I must tell you at this point that being 100% honest, i DO like him, I have done for a few weeks now. I have become dependant on DSs texts, they make me smile when no-one else can. When I do talk to him face-to-face(not enough, I go all weird when I see him, so try not to…I don’t wanna look silly) I leave with a glow, that’s the only way to describe it really. I am well and truly “crushed out”(as much as I hate that phrase)

Anyways back to my tale…I was faced at this point with a decision, lie? Or honesty? Now my track record with honesty is about as consistent as a dotted line so I really didn’t know what to say…Another side note part of the story was that a few hours previous to this happening I was playing about with tarot cards with my friend, we used 3 packs to check reliability, and I consistently “got choice between lovers”-slash-”new love” readings (rather reliable LOL). Don’t get me wrong, normally I think its just bull shit and ignore it…but obviously this came into my mind when DS asked me if I liked him. As stupid as it sounds I think this gave me the confidence to admit to him my true feelings…

My (very limited) experience of confessions of feelings caused me to assume that DS would either say he liked me, didn’t like me like that or he would need time to think because he wasn’t sure(once I had to wait a week!! And I saw him during that time! SO awkward… anyway that’s a story for another day..). However he just asked me questions!! He asked how long I have liked him, who knew I liked him and what I liked about him!! I answered the first two but by the time the third one came I was getting a little frustrated…so I told him just to forget I said anything as he obviously didn’t feel the same. He just said these things need saying face to face and we would talk today…

…and that’s where I am now, waiting for that awkward conversation where he will probably just tell me he “honours me as a friend” or “thinks of me as a sister” eugh!! I can’t even study(which I really should be doing) as he keeps going round and round my head…he has a break soon will finish this after our convo…wish me luck!

…so i ended up putting it off until the end of the day, when he texted me saying that we really needed to speak. we met.

He said he thinks im brilliant, and a great mate…but he only sees me as a friend

i think that actually hurts more, he just thinks im ugly